I’ve put on quite a bit of weight lately. That is a simple fact.
All of my life my BMI has been within the underweight catagory. For many years I was described as skinny or scrawny. I even got teased for my twig like legs in middle school.When I was at the age when I wanted people to find me attractive and alluring (in that way) the boys were saying that I would probably break if I was to be touched (in that way). I’d laugh…but it hurt. Thankfully when I hit puberty the boobs and hips kicked in and gave me a bit more of shape.
Skinny shaming is and always has been a thing. People seem to think they can say what you like about someone if it’s the opposite of calling them overweight (or another crueler description of a slightly heavier person). People would often tell me I was too skinny, or that I’d look better with a bit of meat on me. Some would even tell me that I should try eating!
I did eat. I ate a lot. In fact everywhere I have been in my life it has become something they associate with me. At school I was known for having the big lunches and repeatedly treating myself at the vending machine. At uni I was known for getting two lunches inbetween lectures and always having a pile of food for dinner. On first dates I would be getting two starters, despite all the rules regarding how a women should behave in such situations. At home I’d eat far more than my older brother. Where does it all go? They’d say.
My metabolism has always been incredibly fast, I thought that was just the way I was made. I didn’t realize that it was a little too fast. Food wouldn’t stay in my body long, I would need to go to the loo regaulrly and violently – meaning my body wasn’t getting any time to obtain the goodness from the food I was consuming.
For over a decade I have/had been visiting doctors to check something suspect wasn’t going on – my weight and the amount of food I ate just didn’t add up. There were other issues likes fatigue, fainting and skin disorders going on (I will go into this more heavily in another post). It was one thing having to put up with naive kids commenting on my weight, but to have professionals, doctors, pointing the fingers and trying to get me to admit to some sort of eating disorder seemed grossly immoral and unfair. You go to doctors for answers, reassurance, hope….not judgement, particularly when it isn’t deserved.
In the last year or so I’ve managed to find specialists who have been able to do appropriate tests and discover what the hell was going on in terms of my digestion. Due to their discoveries and implimenting the appropriate treatment/lifestyle changes my food is now staying in my body for a ‘normal’ amount of time. This change is being showcased by an increase in my weight.
At first I was thrilled. I was going to be in the ‘normal’ weight catagory’ for the first time – which signalled an improvement in health. My hair also started to grow because it was getting the vital nutrients from my food at long last. Sadly….that happiness I felt has started to wane. It happened before when I started to put on a bit of weight when my health eased up a bit. People and my friends feel like they just have to comment on it.
I’m uncomfortable with people commenting on my looks as it is, whether it be positive or negative. I don’t enjoy it being a subject or theme of conversation. At the moment I’m getting a lot of comments from loved ones about my increase in weight – that they’ve noticed the change. It’s not that they’re not nice comments either. Here are some examples….
‘Look at that rump”
‘I like you more curvy’
‘I like squidgy bits’
‘You look a lot healthier’
‘I think you better with a bit more weight on you’
‘You’re looking well’
‘Your face looks better a little fuller’
I have a little bit of a problem with some of them, because in complimenting my new body shape they are shaming my old one – for years they’ve felt I could look a lot better.
The fact that people are commenting on my weight regaulrly also makes it a bigger deal than I wanted it to be – it makes me ponder it more than I ever wanted to. I had hoped it would just be development, a change that marks an improvement in my overall health. A victory if you will.
By overthinking my increase in weight I am starting to obsess over it and wonder if I am happy with the the added padding present on my tummy and thighs. I’ve been forced into doing various diets over the years, by doctors trying to work out whether my body was rejecting certain things. I never want to go on a diet out of personal choice, I finally want to enjoy eating with no restructions….because I love food. I adore it! Now I find myself wondering if I should cut back or be more conscious of what I’m eating as these new observation and comments are hard to adjust to.
I have always had pretty bad cellulite on my legs, and generally lack tone on my body. Due to my fatigue I haven’t exercised for a number of years….well that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it! It’s amazing how often people will protest when a slim person says they have cellullite. But orange peel doesn’t descrimimnate, you can succumb to it at any weight. I have found that this has also worsened with my increase in size…which is another thing I am having to get used to.
Once again I have rambled without making a clear point. I guess what I am saying is that we are usually aware of changes in our own bodies, particularly weight gain, so before you comment think whether you’d appreciate the same words flung in your direction. To those that are brutal with their opinion, and who justify it by saying ‘I’m just being real’ or ‘honest’…..consider whether the person wants or has sought out your opinon. I can’t bare it when people attempt to mask rudeness with this sort of reasoning.
I will try and revert back to the initial joy of my new healthier weight, ignore the niggles in my bed and enjoy scoffing. I’ve been restricted in terms of what I eat for so long I deserve a bit of mindless munching….for a bit at least.
I guess we all have wobbles in terms of our appearance (unless you are very lucky). Despite the wobbles (short or long term) I must remind myself that being healthy is the most important thing, whatever size that is. I should also concentrate on what factors truly lead to me being comfotrable in my own skin…and I can guarantee it includes more than just what my current clothes size is.
Anyone else dealt with bullying or rude comments related to their weight? How did it make you feel? How did it affect how you live your life? How did you combat it?